inversion

i can't hate God so i hate myself. i can't curse God so i curse myself. if God does not lie, then i'm the liar. my spirituality is the liar. my heart is the deceiver. i feel misled, but i misled myself. there is no leading. not for me. there's only self-deception. i thought i was supposed to step out in faith. i thought he was challenging me to trust me. the pang in my heart when we did family hugs, told me there was someone missing. it was not supposed to be a girl. i thought god put that there. i thought he put those words in my wife. i thought he put those words in the old christian ladies and my mother who kept saying we were having a boy and that a boy was coming. i thought i was supposed to live from my heart. everyone around me is having boys but me. everyone in my family has had a boy but me. one sister didn't but that's because she stopped at one. all the friends i can think of have at least one boy. no one understands. how depressing to have no rudder, no compass. how depressing to think that we can be lead when we are not lead. how sad to get nothing but silence. i don't want to apologize for God. why should i? it's his world. deal with it. his will. deal with it. seems to be all there is. somehow right now that translates to meaninglessness.