wow, i can't believe i wrote that. i leave this here and the entry after this one only in case it gives hope to any other father out there who feels let down by God because he was not given a son. the disappointment will pass. I rejoice in our third little girl. she is a joy, a delight. i regret my response. i really do. much of it was kept to myself and i should strike this all from the record, but just maybe it will let somebody see that someone really does understand their anguish, and that there will be a day when it is a distant memory. yes, there's that hole in there somewhere, but i choose not to dwell on it. there's too much to be thankful for. sometimes i catch myself questioning why we went for third--a merely modern illusion--that it's all up to us, and i know it's only because i didn't get "my boy". but i cannot give in to such selfish thinking. when i look at our third girl--i am filled with wonder and we love her and enjoy her as if she were the first! Praise be to God.
the decision to have our own third child was not an easy one. venturing into the world of adoption, we learned that we were not the best candidates. we were either too poor, or not desperate enough. the demand for healthy babies is much higher than we realized. it seemed as if we were going to be in competition with couples who could not have their own.
today we found out we're having a third girl. i hate myself. i feel like the biggest loser. i am so angry at God. i always envisioned myself having a son. now i never will. this is our last child. i hate myself for my anger, for my disappointment. i feel so bitter. this child will be loved just as much as the other two. but right now, i feel almost abandoned by God. he knew the desire of my heart. he knew how badly i wanted a son. he knew how painful it was growing up for me and how much i desired even then to have my own son and give him the parenting and attention i never received. my wife one morning several months ago told me she thought she heard a voice whisper to her "in one year you will have a son". i wish she had never told me that. that was clearly not God. that was just her imagination. why would i be allowed to even believe that it had been a true word. i feel forsaken. like there is no real chance for me to ever have real contact with God. i shouted my lungs out in the car on my way to work. and i suspected it didn't matter. which is a very lonely and depressing feeling. why are some given sons when they didn't even ask for them, and me, i'm denied three times. i'm out. i am full of bitterness and sorrow at the realization that i will never have a son. i feel like no one will ever understand. i really feel right now like He doesn't care one bit what i feel and i better just be thankful for healthy child and need to shut the f----k up. i am filled with abject sorrow and self-hatred because my complaint is not even fully legitimate, yet it feels like an unsurmountable blow to my heart. i always felt a little sorry for fathers of 3 girls and no sons, and now i'm one of them. why was a i denied a son? i feel like i didn't deserve one. i feel judged, like i failed. i don't deserve to have a son. i'm not a good enough man to have a son. i am a loser. hence more self hatred. i'm sick. i don't want to pray. i want to be through with going to church. i don't want to seek after God. i don't want to "understand". i don't want to "grow". all i wanted was a son. i was going to be a good father to him. i love having my 2 girls. we would do "family hugs" and one i would feel a pang in my heart that told me someone was missing and that someone was my son. i thought He was prompting me to go for it. i believed the wild at heart author: "live from the heart". i thought my heart told me something true. i am full of disappointment and disillusion. and oh, yeah, self-hatred.
i know i will recover. i know life will go on. the health of the child is still what matters far above the gender.
right now, and i think for the rest of my life, i feel a hole in my heart. the pain and anguish cannot possibly be given life terms though. it would kill me and i would be an awful partner to my wife. i hope she can forgive me for my reaction today. i basically said nothing because i wanted to spare her my thoughts, but to her, that's saying a lot. what was i supposed to be jumping up and down!!! i don't think i can really share my heart with her about this because i don't think she'll truly understand and i don't even respect my own thoughts. all i know is it hurts.
